Monday, April 18, 2011

You learn something new everyday

After yesterday's post, guess what 16 year old MM came home with last night? Another go-kart - we got rid of the last one because there was nowhere around where we live that they could ride it safely. Safe being the key word here. Why on earth couldn't my children just bring home a stray dog or something simple?

I got a lovely award from Debra today for being a 'Versatile Blogger', but more about that on my post tomorrow (I'd already written this post when I discovered it)

It's true that I try to be a positive person and consequently I read a lot of success books and positivity books because that's what interests me. Despite all of this, at the moment I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I'm finding it very hard to be positive. Eldest MM is going through some tough times at the moment and I'm driving myself crazy worrying about him.

The 'realistic' side of me knows that worrying won't fix the problem, yet the 'mother' me won't listen to the realistic side because the mother me is stronger. I love that he knows he can talk to me when the going gets tough, but the burden of that is sometimes overwhelming. Yes he is an adult, yes he needs to sort out his own problems, so why can't I make my brain pay attention and realise that he is the one who has to find the solution.

These days I realise that I like my world to be ordered and with some structure (it must be part of getting old and being responsible). There are days when I wish I was one of those people who could just say 'what will be, will be' and who go about their lives without a care in the world. I like everyone around me to be happy and when they're not I feel like I need to fx it.

What makes a 'fixer' personality, I googled this and was amazed by what I read, you can find the article that I read here but one line stood out 'This role is generally seen in overachievers / perfectionists - who are often first borns or only children'. Ahem, yep that's me, I'm a perfectionist and a first born. Probably the only line that didn't apply to me in this article was an inability to make decisions. I can make decisions but I tend to feel sick in the belly when I'm not comfortable with the decision I have to make.

Before I wrote this post I didn't even know there was such a thing as a 'fixer' personality. I'd never really thought about it. I bounded into my former HR role because I guess my boss recognised that's what I was good at doing, fixing things and making people feel good about themselves. Everyone expected that I could fix things and I always did. If something needed to be organised or fixed then I was the go to person.

Now that I've read a mountain of articles on the topic, I'm not sure that it's a good thing at all. Ergh there is definitely truth in the saying 'ignorance is bliss'. From all my reading I have discovered that I need to listen more and not try to 'fix' everything, because sometimes people just need a sounding board - how was I to know that slipping into solution mode was not healthy for me or even the other person?

Now I have to go away and figure out how to 'fix' myself and not everybody else. No wonder I sometimes feel that I have a ten ton weight on my shoulders, it's because I'm carrying everyone elses garbage as well as my own. This post turned out a lot deeper than I originally planned - but you know what, I'm sure some of you are 'fixers' too.

An individual's self-concept is the core of his personality. It affects every aspect of human behavior: the ability to learn, the capacity to grow and change. A strong, positive self-image is the best possible preparation for success in life. ~ Dr Joyce Brothers


  1. And sometimes, all we have to do is sit still and listen to our hearts calling.

    You are brilliant -- just the way you are.


  2. Louise - you're a sweetheart, thank you

  3. been there, done that!! with time, you'll learn to let go [a bit...].

  4. well, unless you insist on perpetuating this behavior 'till your last breath...

    things will change anyway. remember when you were a teen. look back now. when you were in your twenties? look back now. some values affirm themselves, others diminish, if they don't vanish altogether. we do evolve, after all...
    (some more slowly than others, i'll give you that much...)


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