I had a cracker of a weekend
up until yesterday morning. I woke up feeling like a small truck had hit me (I
think it was a jelly truck) but it was self induced so no point complaining.
Then mid morning I noticed a missed phone call on my phone from my eldest son’s
father.
This is always an indication
of bad news, so I think my heart momentarily stopped as I dialled the number.
My relief that nothing was wrong with my son was quickly replaced with dismay
when I realised the reason for the call. My ex-partner had just learnt that his
brother (my son’s uncle) had committed suicide and he wanted me to be there to
tell my son.
Twenty three years ago his
brother was a big part of my life, if we had of stayed together he still would
have been. The drive back to Adelaide was not the stress free result of a
relaxed weekend that I had anticipated. Instead it was a long, gut churning
drive home knowing what I had to do when I got there.
How do you tell a loved one
that a family member has died, especially under the circumstances. It’s a
conversation that I never, ever want to have again. The numb disbelief and
shock on my son’s face will stay with me forever.
It did bring about a frank
conversation with my son about not trying to understand the reasons for it and
that I never wanted anyone I loved to feel that alone that they couldn’t talk
to someone or ask for help.
It is a taboo subject, it’s
one that’s usually only discussed in hush-hush tones. A friend of ours died
several weeks ago and it was shocking and sudden, but a heart attack is an ‘acceptable’
way to die. In this case though, all anyone can murmur is ‘but he seemed okay’.
Both of them were the same age with young children. Too soon and way too young for either of them to
go.
Could anyone have done
anything different, possibly not and there's nothing to be gained by people beating
themselves up over what they could have done or should have done. Perhaps
though, if mental illness and depression and suicide weren’t such taboo subjects
then meaningless deaths wouldn’t happen as often because people might feel more able to
reach out for help.
Perhaps even after telling my
son not to over think it and to stop trying to understand it, that is exactly
what I am trying to do myself.
Hold your loved ones close
people and tell them that you love them as often as you can.Hugs, Fi
As I once heard in a seminar about suicide, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Given the stigma that still prevails over depression, we all wear a mask in life, keeping our angst to ourselves, often beyond the point of no return. He felt he had valid reasons to do this, even if we may think he had lost perspective. Some think it is cowardice not to want to face what is ahead. It is not that simple. Despair is a powerful force. There are also the possibility of chemical imbalance in the brain that can be exacerbated by stress and other factors. I don't know his story, but only try to remember the good times and support each other in your time of loss. This last gesture does NOT define the man he was...
ReplyDeleteMy sympathies.
BIGHUGZ
You make a good point. The last act definitely does NOT define a person in this situation.
DeleteAgree with your comments - and we will always remember him for who he was. Just saddened that despair can be so final for someone.
DeleteOh, Fi, I am SO sorry. There are just not words to express how I feel. I am sending positive thoughts for peace to you and your son.
ReplyDeleteWe have GOT to change the stigma on mental illness- to let people know that it is okay to ask for help when they need it. Again, I am so sorry.
If only people could talk about it Karen, then the world would be a better place. I hesitated (momentarily) about writing this post because I thought people may be offended - but it's life, it's reality and we HAVE to talk about it.
DeleteWow, started crying reading about this tragic ending. Brought back memories. I have two family members that battled depression and commited suicide just a couple years apart. I am so sorry for you and your sons loss. You nailed it, if it wasn't such a taboo subject people would talk about it. Men have a much harder time though with it because they are so often the ones that are suppose to be strong. But you are right too, you can't beat yourself up about it and go through the what ifs. I pray for his immediate family and children that he can be remembered for all the good times and not his last chapter. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteWho was it that ever said men had to be tougher and stronger and braver - crock of you-know-what. But I agree Jenn, they suffer silently and sometimes people don't know it until it's too late
DeleteHugs to you friend. My brother and his wife committed suicide and it was heart wrenching. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteBoth your brother and his wife - how awful, that's tragic in itself. I'm both surprised and dismayed that so many people have been affected by suicide, because no-one talks about it, not that's it's an everyday subject matter - but still.
DeleteThat is why it is a good thing you mentioned this here today. Why think people would be offended? It is part of life for most who refuse to live in denial. I remember a college mate who killed herself after graduation. Many at the hospital have killed themselves, at home or at work. When I was working at the E.R., I often dealt with people in crisis, after a botched suicide attempt or bordering suicidal, and I had to dig deep to be of help to them. I myself had to fight my own demons to remain in this world, and you know why as you've read my story. And while this is not something I discuss daily, I don't remember when talking about this issue a single person who had not been affected by it, one way or the other, be it family, friends etc... It is high time we lift the veil and embrace all who may need it. You once complimented for offering solace and advice, even when I had my own issues to deal with. I don't turn my back on people, as much as I can. One should not deny help he/she can give, but the final result lay with the receiver. One cannot be held accountable for someone else's actions, as we all enjoy free will. To quote you, "because no-one talks about it", there lays the crime. And that is something that needs to be changed in our society. There is so much stress due to appearances, performance, social standing, moeny and politics, etc that it gets harder and harder to find our place in this world and feel somewhat at ease and to be appreciate for our one true self, the one we too often hide.
DeleteAlright, I'm not writing an essai here!! Maybe that'll give you something to do, in his memories, and to avoid others becoming such memories too.
:)~
HUGZ
Ticklebear - I do know your story and I can't begin to imagine some of your inner battles. We all have our own demons to fight don't we? Some bigger than others. While the circumstances of this post are not good the fact that it has opened up open and honest conversation here on my blog and also within my family and with my children is a good thing.
DeleteIn the last few days I have talked with my children very openly about suicide and depression and everything in between. For that I am thankful, it's sad that it should be as the result of a tragedy.
Does't it say somewhere (I may be an atheist but I remember my bible...), that we have the challenges in this life that we can handle. That theory is put to the test for many, and proven wrong sometimes... Oh well!! But I'm glad it got you and your family talking. Perhaps it will trickle down to your kids' friend circles and preserve some of them, not from despair, but from suicide at least, if they feel they oughta talk about it. To use an AIDS slogan, "Silence=Death".
DeleteAnd judging by who commented on your post, this reality exists across the globe, not just one country, as we all stand faraway from each other.
You did good here, Fi!! We all get those wake up calls! You did something about it.
I think the verse you might be referring to is: "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13.
DeleteThis is the verse that is so often thought of with regard to GOD only giving us as much as we can handle.
Sounds just about right. I studied the bible in my youth in French... and that was a long time ago, but it does sound the same. Thanx 4 clearing this up.
DeleteYes, to all of the above, and yes, like many other events, there are few who have not been touched by suicide or the possibility .My feeling is (and a good explanation for a young person) that a person who dies in this way is unwell just the same as someone with any illness might be. If they were not unwell they would not despair, and so remembering the best of times is what you need to do. Being able to seek help may not change the outcome, but it certainly could and conversation must be encouraged. Thank you Fiona for doing just that.
ReplyDeleteCandy - it's all about communication isn't it? Open, honest communication with no judgement.
DeleteFi, I am so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in my early 20's my best friend's boyfriend took his own life.
Life is precious and sometimes we loose sight of that. When someone dies we always feel shock and loss but when someone takes their own life, it's truly devastating for those close to the person.
I actually think, that when you're at your lowest point it's extremely difficult to ask for help. It's hard to make your voice heard even if you try because your voice feels so tiny and you feel confused about what's going on inside yourself.
After I had my first child I had post natal depression. It was only picked up because my health visitor, as standard, made all new mums fill out a questionnaire with regard to their emotional state.
When I had the other children, the forms were no longer used.
I know that my doctor in Scotland reacted promptly when people told her that they felt depressed. She gave out medication and refereed patients to a councillor.
However, a friend of mine became very, very ill after having her second child and her doctors didn't take her seriously. Then one day she sat in the waiting room and begged someone to help her because if not, she would take her own life and those of her children. (She confided in me after the fact). I was shocked and found it an absolute disgrace that her doctor had just fobbed her off until that point.On the other hand, I was proud that she managed to express to the doctors just how bad she was actually feeling and ask for help.
Since I came to live here in Germany I have been under a lot of stress. Not one single doctor has offered me any proper medication though they have said I could try counselling, which I have to organize by myself.
It has occurred to me on many occasions that someone who was very depressed or suicidal would not feel up to organizing their own care in this way. Not to mention that you have to wait months and months for a first appointment.
I agree that for men it's especially difficult. They tend not to show their emotions and have an expectation of themselves to be strong. I think they would also have a lot of problems being able to talk to their families.
Like you said, it needs to be talked about, which is why I've shared my bit here. Wouldn't it be great if there was a place anyone could go and just say, "I need some support." and they would be given it? I guess the world isn't that far yet, but I hope one day it will be.
In the meantime please know that my thoughts are with you in this sad time.
Thank you for sharing your story Sarah, I grow more amazed by how many people are affected by depression, mental health problems and those who have lost someone as a result.
DeleteI agree about how difficult it can be to speak up, I had my own dramas following on from an ectopic pregnancy - my story is in the 'my words' tab. I had a dream doctor who luckily recognised what was happening and got me some badly needed help.
I know the recognition and support for mental health is desperately lacking in Australia. It is spoken about somewhat and the need for help is recognised but much of it is just words - government programs and support services are just not there to back it all up. My son's uncle was admitted and then released from hospital despite the medical staff telling his wife that he seriously needed help. I don't know the full story but I do hear in the news which tells of mental health beds closing and people being tied to beds in prisons because of a lack of medical spaces, so I'm not doubting the truth in much of the story.
Tragic, tragic loss
In this day and age, your Health Ministry needs to revise its position and do the opposite, opening more beds for such cases as they are increasing, not decreasing. Only the people can force a government to step back and do what is needed, if it is indeed the will of the people.
Delete