Sunday, March 27, 2011

Great Expectations

I sometimes have days when I feel overwhelmed by everyone elses expectations. It's others expectations on top of my own expectations of what I should be doing, need to be doing and want to be doing which generally leads to an overload of doing and this of course results in not enough hours in the day.

I'm practicing saying no more often but it's not always a comfortable feeling and inevitably leads to me feeling guilty. Sometimes I wonder whether it's just easier to say yes.

Today was a good day in terms of getting everything done which had to be done. I baked, I washed, I folded clothes, I cleaned. I did all the things that needed to be done and then some, so now I can sit and write in peace and not feel guilty. The strange thing is, no-one in my family makes me feel guilty, it's purely self imposed guilt. Yet, were I to have a choice, I would have sat and spent the day writing.

My boys are perfectly self sufficient and can cook, wash clothes and clean. Hubby too for that matter. So why is it that I feel mostly responsible for doing it. The boys will ask if I need help with anything, well one of them will and the other will help if asked. What I want to know is why they can't see that the floor needs mopping or the rubbish bin needs to be emptied? Why do I have to ask them to do it?

I find it refreshing to read about someone who walks to the beat of their own drum. Someone who can do what they want, when they want. I have moments of envy and sometimes dream of how nice that would be to not have to worry about anyone but me. But then I am quickly reminded of the fact that I am never lonely, I am never without someone to talk to or to hug and that only worrying about myself would be a pretty empty life.

So for now I will live with the expectations, mostly my own, and will continue to practice saying no occasionally. I'm off to write some more words for my book, which is my expectation of myself.

The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations ~ Eli Khamarov

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